Sometimes there are concerns about your new role with your child, unease
about your view of yourself and anxiety with the adjustments in your
relationship or marriage. Be sure to notice if you see signs of
despondency that interferes with your daily living (crying a lot, insomnia,
poor appetite or excessive behaviors), because this may indicate a more
serious condition, needing professional attention.

Basically, if you feel sad that your home doesn’t have the noise, conflict,
laughter and mess that it used to have, it’s normal. But also realize that
you now have lots of free time, a new found freedom to actually think
about yourself. This time offers you an opportunity to begin a new journey
that will reveal your special creativity and even hidden passions.

Here are some things you can do to get past the empty nest syndrome:

1. Make a “passion” list. These are things you’ve always wanted to
do but never had time. Include exploring travel dreams, new hobbies,
career and educational advancements, ideas for redecorating, etc.
Develop interests of your own so that your focus is on you and not
the empty room in the home.

2. Talk to other empty nesters, since they understand your feelings,
having been through it themselves. Lean on these friends for support.

3. Rethink this phase of your life as a door opening, with new and
exciting adventures that will add to your personal growth and development.

4. Explore your many resources. Gain as much knowledge and information
as you can on the Empty Nest Syndrome to reassure that you are really ok.

5. Enjoy your increased nest egg. With your child out of the house, you
may find your expenses have gone down, enabling you to save more
money for your retirement.

It is not surprising that parents, who become content in their own lives,
are better able to transition through this empty nest phase. As a parent
of a grown child now, you have successfully done your job and should be
proud to watch as he/she enters the next great phase of being an adult.

Aroma therapy, meditation, yoga, bubbling fountains, music therapy, nutrition, acupuncture, and biofeedback (to reduce stress) have been shown to help cancer and heart disease patients recover and recuperate faster. Studies support that meditation reduces blood pressure, arterial restriction and boosts immune function. While stress can increase the advancement of cancer, anything that reduces stress can have the reverse effect and foster healing.

AARP surveyed its subscribers and found that 2-3 adults over 50 use some type of alternative therapy as part of their health management. However, over 70% are reluctant to discuss this option with their doctors, believing they would be considered “weird.” That, fortunately, is changing. Andrew Weil, MD. is one of the leading experts in integrative medicine and believes that we are finally experiencing a revolution in medicine that is long overdue, but necessary. People are taking active roles in their health and producing better medical outcomes.

Of course, the use of alternative therapy should have a realistic role – if you need a bypass operation, aroma therapy is not your best choice. However, for long term preventative measures to keep you and I from repeat visits to the doctor, practicing anger and stress reduction, eating nutritious foods and meditating daily may be just what the doctor ordered.

For more information on Integrative Medicine, go to National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine 888-644-6226 ow www.nccam.nih.gov

Amy Sherman is the author of “Distress-Free Aging: A Boomer’s Guide to Creating a Fulfilled and Purposeful Life” and “The Joy of Optimism” 10-Lesson eCourse.

More bad news. Baby boomers may outlive their assets. Boomers hope to retire and live their lives much as they did before. However, according to Ernst and Young, three out of five retirees will have to cut back and live more modestly after they quit working. If we live to be 90 or 100, there is a good chance that inflation and unsteady investments will cause our assets to expire before we do. In addition, married couples are more likely to outlive their nest egg, due to their increased longevity over single households.

Now to some good news. We are the Internet’s largest constituency with 72% of households being computer savvy. This means that baby boomers are not going down without a fight. Many of us (including myself) have developed websites and blogs to share our expertise, have written books or are off on new careers or ventures that follow our passion. This drive has the potential to increase and supplement our income allowing us to live more comfortably and more fulfilled.

I’d love to hear about your projects…

Amy Sherman, LMHC, is a licensed mental health counselor in private practice. Amy is the author of the ebook, “Distress-Free Aging: A Boomer’s Guide to Creating a Fulfilled and Purposeful Life” and “The Joy of Optimism 10-Lesson eCourse. Visit www.bummedoutboomer.com to learn more about boomer issues and to receive a Special Report on Overcoming Adversity when you sign up for her FREE newsletter. Contact her by email at amy@bummedoutboomer.com or by phone at 561) 281-2975

I conduct a Baby Boomer’s Empowerment Group for men and women experiencing the challenges of midlife and the overwhelm of dealing with aging parents, teens, adult children and their impending retirement. We talk about health, relationships, lifestyle transitions, how men and women age differently and just plain getting old. The group is a cohesive, supportive unit that laughs, cries, shares information, opinions and knowledge openly and honestly. They tell me how empowered they feel knowing they are not alone in their thoughts and feelings. The support group creates a special bond between its members that effectively helps to resolve inner conflicts, reduce isolation and expand personal understanding.What better way to connect with others than by sharing in each others healing.

My book is a compilation of these wonderfully successful strategies and it is specifically directed toward baby boomers who are caught between raising their kids, helping their aging parents and keeping their own lives fulfilled and satisfied. I invite you to join my book blog tour and read some of the interviews and reviews of my book by other boomer people. The schedule is as follows:

May 17,2008 Teresa Morrow begins the blog tour at http://www.keybusinesspartners.com
May 18, 2008 Rosie Horner at Rosiesboomerreview http://www.rosiesboomerreview.com
May 19, 2008 Judy Davids at Rock Star Mommy’s blog, http://www.mydols.com/judydavids.htm
May 20, 2008 Lisa Fredette at Passionate About Life Coaching’s blog: http://www.lisafredette.com/blog
May 21, 2008 Heidi Richards at the WECAI Network (and Virtual Women’s Day), http://www.virtualwomensday.blogspot.com
May 22, 2008 Phyllis Goldberg, PhD & Rosemary Lichtman, PhD at Website: www.HerMentorCenter.com, Blog: http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com
May 23, 2008 Mary Eileen Williams at http://www.feistysideoffifty.wordpress.com
May24, 2008 Kathryn Little at her blog at http://www.princesstrinkadink.blogspot.com
May 25, 2008 Neli at http://www.stress-fat-heart-solutions-for-boomers.com/big-waistline-blog.html

Learn more about Judy

1. What advice do you have for other potential rocker moms? You have to have determination. And it helps to be delusional. I learned how to play guitar and write songs and I’ve had unimaginable success. Not money success. But when we play, we see a lot of smiling faces. They aren’t mesmerized by our skills, but because we are just like them. So what are you waiting for?

2. What did you find rewarding and challenging about writing your first book?
The biggest challenge was writing a story about a band of which I was only one quarter. I worried about what my bandmates would think of my version of our collective story. I didn’t really show them my manuscript until it was done and then I gave them the opportunity to read it and “fix” any errors. To my delight I was asked to change only 2 little things. I got it right. Yahoo!

3. Who gave you the inspiration to write your book?

My husband John. My first reaction was our (the Mydols’) story is really great but I’m not a writer, so I’ll find a ghost writer. Then my husband reminded me I didn’t know how to play a guitar and I started a rock band! He believed in me and it gave me confidence.

4. Do you have any plans to write more?

Yes! My husband and I have an idea for a book we want to co-write. We’re sorting it all out right now, so I don’t want to give to much away, but I am excited to work with him. He’s an awesome writer.

4. How long did it take you to complete Rock Star Mommy? My publisher gave me 6 months but I finished early. It took me 4 months to write.

Keep up with her book tour at her blog: http://mydols.com/judydavids.htm. View yesterday’s review at http://www.babyboomerbev.blogspot.com:80/
And tomorrow the tour continues at Karlyn C blog at http://www.wahmbuds.com

Robert and I went to the same local college in Queens, N.Y., and were one of 20,000 students in 1970 who protested the war and staged sit-ins. This particular year, we both somehow signed up to go on a 5 week, 10 credit archeological field dig in Chico, California, during the summer. I was an anthropology major in my junior year, so it made perfect sense for me, but Robert was an education/music major and a freshman. In any case, 100 of us chartered a plane to California to experience 5 weeks on a 500 year old Maidu Indian excavation site to explore the lives, history and mystery of this fascinating culture.

The first day in Chico, we all gathered to introduce ourselves and to find out the protocol and expectations of this course. I couldn’t help looking around the room to check out the other students and noticed Robert with his huge afro and tall, slim stature. He noticed me too and I remember making a mental note to recall his name and interests.

With 100 of us divided into 6 separate groups, Rob and I were assigned to be in the same site location under the same teaching assistant. As “luck” would have it, our dorm rooms were just a few feet away and we were given the same lab days to catalog our finds. Even the days we had off were amazingly the same. It was synchronicity from the get-go.

Needless to say, our relationship blossomed that summer and has continued ever since. We’ve been married 33 years and have two wonderful children. I firmly believe that we were meant to be together, since everything we experienced directed us to connect. We’ve had our ups and downs, but we have grown in our understanding of each other. Our relationship has stood the test of time and continues to evolve as we head into our “golden years” together.

I love telling this story because it reinforces for me the wisdom of the universe and that everything works out for the best in the end.

As a mom of 2 grown children in their 20’s, can I draw the line between being the supportive, but not meddling mom? If I ask too many questions, am I prying? I want to be sure my kids are independent, responsible, bright young adults and therefore, don’t I have the right to find out what’s going on in their lives?

It’s natural for us to give emotional support and I know there is a point where even that can be too much. And it’s not unusual for many of us to give financial support. Would the kids think that’s too much also? My son is married but still in school and my daughter is single, but enjoying her first “real” job. At what point does the subsidizing stop and the kids become officially on their own?

Social psychologist, Jane Adams says that being 20-something is challenging and that our parental thinking will always gravitate towards wondering if the kids will “be fully independent, emotionally as well as financially.” But according to a study done at the University of Haifa in Israel, adult children who are close with their parents are more independent financially and self-sufficient than those who are distant emotionally.

It makes me feel better that I do have a close relationship with my kids and for that I am grateful. However, I know it’s never too late to develop the kind of relationship you would want for the future. Respect, non-judgment, acceptance and good conversation can open the doors to a meaningful connection. Our children will always be our concern. I think they like knowing our care and support for them never ends, no matter how old they get.

According to Nancy Merz Nordstrom, author of “Learning Later, Living Greater: The Secret for Making the Most of Your After-50 Years,” the brain regenerates its brain cells by responding to new challenging learning experiences. More brain cells translates into better mental alertness and processing, faster response time and quicker reflexes. Even more important than the number of new neurons, is the intensity of the connections, which are strengthened and enhanced through brain stimulation.

AARP predicts that 95% of Americans over the age of 50 will want to enhance their brain potential by participating in advanced learning experiences. They’ll be focusing on new languages, taking on demanding new hobbies, participating in thought-provoking discussions just to help maintain, restore and revitalize their precious brain capacity.

There are websites, like http://www.positscience.com/programs/tour.php, that offer games to boost mental stimulation. You can view their demo by clicking on the link. Other available activities are crossword and logic puzzles, sudoku, reading, writing, drawing and playing an instrument.

Baby boomers who continue to train their brain on a regular basis are twice as likely to retain cognitive function than someone who doesn’t. This means you’ll reduce your chances of developing Alzheimer’s disease or other forms of dementia if you stay active, involved and alert.

Research also emphasizes that the benefits of practicing “brain fitness” still apply even in advantaged age.

Therefore, boomers, start young and you’ll reap the rewards for many fruitful years to come.

It shows that baby boomers are still a valuable resource in the work force and that their significance needs to be recognized and embraced. Boomers bring some special qualities to a company that they won’t find in their younger employees.

First, baby boomers are dedicated and loyal workers. If a boomer is still working in their same job for many years, it must mean they like it and want to keep it. Therefore, they will not be looking for better opportunities elsewhere or be inclined to job hop. In addition, their vast experience enables them to handle complicated situations with delicate diplomacy and to understand workplace politics with genuine finesse. They are generally endowed with invaluable skills like customer service and management programs that are also hard to replace.

We, boomers, are health conscious and determined to stay fit and “young” for as long as possible. Research indicate that we won’t be entering assisted living/nursing homes until the 80’s, as compared to 20 years ago when 65 was old. We want to remain active, vital and productive. Companies need to realize that before they force retirement on any senior employee, they should examine their total worth, including business assets and other valuable qualities that contribute to the future of the organization.

I am a woman of the Baby Boomer generation, and while I have had my fair share of life experiences, it always amazes me when something can happen to set us back on our heels. I am a mental health professional, and for the past 6 1/2 years, I have been the coordinator of the Bereavement Support Group Program at a Jewish Family Service Agency in South Florida. I have worked with almost a thousand clients during this time and have found my work tremendously rewarding. Even though people would often ask, “How you can do this work with all of its sadness?” My response would always be the same. Yes, there’s lots of sadness, but over the years, I came to realize, that my ability to actively listen to a grieving client who needed to tell their story came easily for me, and the empathy I conveyed to my clients seemed to help and comfort them. Week after week, the groups would meet, and the clients shared their feelings and symptoms tied to their grief; from anger and denial to the “what ifs” and the situational depression. Sometimes the anger spewed out from different clients, but everyone understood, and that’s why these groups often became safe havens for the people who attended them. Special friendships often form during this time because there is a strong bonding that takes place during bereavement support groups. As the acceptance of their loss and their new and different life takes hold, sisterhoods are forged, and many of my clients would often say, “This support group has saved my life!”

Three weeks after losing my job, I find that I’m experiencing many of the same feelings my clients have often described. I feel a generalized sadness, and a tremendous void in my life; all the empty hours in the day. Because I truly enjoy working, I have no desire to do other things at this time. My self-confidence has been greatly impacted, and I’m really angry. Over these 6 1/2 years, clients and administration repeatedly said I did a great job and I still lost my job! Talk about life not being fair! Clients have often shared their feelings about how disappointed they become with many of their coupled friends after their loss. It’s not unusual for couples to distance themselves from new widows, and I have found that some of my colleagues/friends have behaved in a similar way.

The beginning process of looking for a new job can feel scary and intimidating if I allow it, but I’m reminding myself, this can be a new and challenging time for me. I find that I’m using many of the coping skills I have suggested to my clients over the years. Exercising regularly, allowing my good friends to be a strong support system for me, and remembering to not be too hard on myself is definitely helping. I know that the symptoms from my loss will dissipate much more quickly than those of my clients because the significance of these losses is very different. However, it’s important to validate all losses, so we can put them into perspective, and develop the coping skills to get us through. Many of my clients, both present and former have offered support and encouragement to me at this difficult time, and I will forever be grateful to them for their kindness and for what I have learned from them!

I tell her that age is just a number, because I don’t feel my 50+ years. I’m still vital and forward thinking, looking to the future with excitement and passion. I don’t plan to have that change any time soon. In fact, Hale Dwoksin, author of The Sedona Method, states ,“The best way to embrace your age is to look inside and notice that at your core what you are is ageless. “

I have learned several things over the years which have kept me focusing on the brighter side of things. They are the following:

1. Do not give in to your negative thoughts about aging. Accept them as just thoughts and let them leave your mind as quickly as they came in. When you start overthinking, you create a downcast state of mind, which just adds to your “pity-party” mindset.
2. Understand the power your emotions have on your ability to live longer and healthier. Research supports the fact that people who are more positive have a longer life span than those who are negative. Plus, they suffer from less illnesses and chronic conditions.
3. Let go of the anticipation that things can go wrong. Otherwise, you wind up setting yourself up for a problem to happen, when there may actually be none. So, stop worrying.
4. Try to harness your personal strength from within to overcome adversity. This means that you do not let yourself get overwhelmed and feel victimized by your circumstances. Instead, take control and act in a manner that would bring you the results you want.

In essence, always remember to keep growing emotionally, so that you are constantly living in a state of self-discovery and excitement. Be prepared to go on a journey of exploration to find new aspects of yourself, you never knew existed. You may be surprised to learn that while you may be “over the hill” chronologically, you can still live your life with the enthusiasm of your youth.

But if I asked you to list five teachers or mentors who believed in you and encouraged you, five friends who have helped you through a difficult time, five people who have taught you something worthwhile, or five people who have made you feel appreciated and special - that’s much easier to do, isn’t it?

That’s because the people who make a difference in your life aren’t the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They’re the ones who care. If you want to be remembered for being important to someone else’s life, make them feel appreciated.”

It makes sense to show gratitude for the people around you and for the blessings they represent. Haven’t you always told our children to be appreciative and to say thank you in response to kindness?

As the year comes to a close, it’s a good time to take an inventory of the many friends, family, co-workers and acquaintances you have that left a mark on your life and then let them know it. It’s like paying it forward through kind comments, small favors, and gentle token gifts. Just recently in the news at a drive-in fast food restaurant, one car made the gesture to pay for the coffee of the car behind it. Subsequently, each car in turn, paid for each other’s java. Little things like that you don’t forget, yet it makes the day special. The year 2008 can be filled with special moments of appreciation if you do your part, be good examples for your families and for others closest to you. Happy New Year!

Here are several effective principles that will enhance your relationship and keep you close:

1. Be willing to listen first, and then offer opinions, rather than turning the dialogue into a lecture. Anybody will shut down if what you say sounds like a sermon. Therefore, be a good listener, using reflective listening skills. You may say something like, “I understand what you’re saying. You feel… However, I would like to assure you that…”
2. Improve your understanding by using good body language.
Be sure that your facial expression and words are in alignment because body language reveals an overall emotional tone.
3. Encourage a free expression of feelings, thoughts and ideas. This would keep the conversation open and maintain an awareness of the child’s perspective.
4. Allow “special together time”. In other words, save time in your day or week to go shopping with your 12 year old, a movie with your 15 year old or out to dinner with your 22 year old. Be generous with your love, hugs and complements. This encourages a sense of trust and closeness, which is essential for security and well-being.

5. Be empathetic. By putting yourself in your teen’s or young adult’s shoes you begin to remember what it was like to be that age—what you were afraid of, what your most important concerns were, what you needed from others. Remember that all feelings they experience are real and should never be discounted.
6. Practice being a good role model. Therefore, express the traits you want your children to copy, such as respect, fairness, friendliness, honesty, kindness and tolerance of others. How you handle your anger, for instance, is the behavior you pass on to your children. If you don’t like what you see, take a look at yourself.
7. Be a strong support system for your children. As a support, you are available when they need to talk. You are there to help and encourage them. Seize every available moment to make a connection. Help your children identify other supportive people in their lives with whom they can also talk.
8. Make flexibility a priority. Try not to base your expectations on “shoulds”. Every child is different and his/her response to a situation will be unique. For instance, you’re getting a divorce after 30 years of marriage. Some children will react with anger, sadness, or guilt. Others will react with complete silence. Adjust your handling of each child according to the personality and needs of the individual.

Understand that you have an enormous responsibility as a parent, but be patient and tolerant. In addition, be aware of your own special needs and limitations. You have strengths and weaknesses and with an awareness of both, you need to be kinder and gentler with yourself. If you take care of yourself and your own well-being, you are modeling an important value for your children, as well.
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If you fall into this category, there are five things you can do that may help transcend this feeling or even remedy the situation.

1. Don’t give up on trying to reestablish the relationship. If you stop trying, the result will always be the same – what you have now. So, make the phone call, write the letter, send the package and do it with sincerity and determination that this is something you really want to do. And continue making gestures to indicate you want to open communication and perhaps make amends.

2. Take 100% responsibility for your PART in the problem. If there was an argument that left you estranged, you and they are both responsible for what happened. Even if you think the other person was totally wrong, consider this – Is it better to be right or be happy and how willing are you to take the first step?

3. You may need to factor in forgiveness. Forgiveness is something you do for yourself, not others. It doesn’t mean you forget. Rather, it means you settle your inner turmoil by letting go of the destructive thoughts that harbor inside and cause you distress and discomfort. To forgive means you take back control of your life and dissolve the dismal cloud that follows you wherever you go.

4. If drugs, alcohol or mental illness is the problem, the best thing to do is educate yourself so you understand the dynamics of the illness. Knowledge is an essential tool for dealing with their irrational behavior and your guilt and helps you think more clearly about strategies to empower you.

5. Nobody really wants to be without their family, so chances are your initial gestures will open up dialogue. If it doesn’t, remember to stay flexible and creative, utilizing whatever means you can to make headway.

Each gesture is like a drop of water in an empty bucket. The more drops you put in, the more it gets filled with water. Keep filling your family bucket so that, one day, it will be filled again with healthy, open and respectful relationships.

Domestic abuse is any coercive behavior that a spouse/child/caregiver uses to exploit, injure, mistreat or violate another person. The tactics an abuser uses include intimidation, threats, put downs and other verbal sabotage. It may also include physical or sexual violence and often involves financial secrecy, dependence and restrictions. Abuse cuts across all socio-economic boundaries, all ages, both genders and all religions. It is based on the principals of power and control and is perpetrated most frequently against women, but is growing amongst men. Abuse is no longer a family matter. It has grown into a crime. The Social Service community will investigate any suspected abuse against a child, the elderly or the infirmed and prosecute the offender.

While the large contingency of Americans known as baby boomers is far from elderly, they are aging. The first group of boomers just turned 60 last year. In some states, social services will investigate alleged abuse of anyone over 60. In most other states, the age is 65. The number of older victims continues to increase. Regrettably, few younger victims seek help; even fewer older victims contact domestic abuse programs or report abuse to authorities. Fear appears to be a major factor, especially the threat of harm.

To understand the mindset of an abused woman, examine this scenario. You’re a 50 year old woman, married 30 years, and in a turbulent relationship for the majority of that time. You have two options. You can stay in the marriage or you can leave. If you leave, where do you go? The idea that you should leave your home to stay somewhere else or with someone else is scary. Are you financially secure? Do you have the confidence or wherewithal to care for yourself? How can you tell the kids/relatives about the abuse, since you’ve kept it a secret all these years? For the past 30 years you were made to feel helpless, worthless, stupid, isolated and unloved. Can you be independent? If you stay, can you endure another 30 years of abuse from someone who feels entitled and who rarely takes responsibility for his inappropriate behavior?

The abuser, on the other hand, is illustrated in this parable of a newly married couple. After the ceremony, a farmer and his new bride climb into a horse-drawn buggy and begin their trip back to the farm. As they travel along, the horse suddenly stops. The farmer gets out of the buggy, goes up to the horse, and says, “That’s ONE!” Then gets back into the buggy, takes the reins and the horse moves forward. Once again, the horse suddenly stops. The farmer gets off the buggy, goes up to the horse and yells, “That’s TWO!” Then he gets on again and the horse continues moving. In the middle of nowhere, the horse stops one more time. This time, the farmer takes his shotgun and as he goes up to the poor horse, he looks him in the eye and tells him, “That’s
THREE!” and shoots him dead. By then the farmer’s wife is terrified, and she doesn’t know what to think. “What did you do that for?” she asks her new husband. Looking into her eyes, the farmer pauses and says, “That’s ONE!”

This anecdote is an example of psychological abuse. In view of the widespread intimidation of so many women, the story is not very funny, but is an excellent example of the abuser’s mindset. It shows the subtle, yet insidious behavior that sets the stage for years and years of coercion and manipulation ahead for this young woman.

What can you do? There are three steps you can take to start the process of change.

1. Acknowledge that your power and ability to feel complete, whole and free-thinking have been taken from you. The self-doubt, insecurity and shame associated with the abuse have made you into a shell of who you used to be.
2. Talk to someone. Don’t keep it a secret. Find a professional experienced in domestic abuse and a support group to learn the dynamics of abuse and how to break the cycle.
3. Realize that you can regain your sense of self, your wisdom, and your motivation and become empowered to live life enthusiastically and without fear.

Your therapist/support group will guide you to do the following:

1. Get support from family and friends.
2. Work on a safety plan to assure your well-being in the marriage or after you leave.
3. Encourage you to know your financial status. All women should have an updated will and be able to protect their resources before there is a crisis.
4. Speak to a lawyer to get legal information regarding safeguarding your assets.
5. Document all emotional abuse (in a journal), and report all physical abuse to authorities.

Anyone in an abusive relationship needs a lot of support. Baby boomers, in particular, may have more difficulty because the years of emotional abuse leave long lasting scars, and take away a woman’s confidence to make choices. Furthermore, boomers have so much invested in their marriage – a nice home, financial security, a full social life, which is hard to give up. However, at what expense?

There is no shame in seeking help, nor is their guilt for allowing this kind of behavior to be a part of your life for so many years. Changing an abusive relationship or breaking away from the abuse are both not easy. However, when you are ready, there are numerous resources available and a healthy new start ahead.

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For more information about abuse and other baby boomer issues, go to www.bummedoutboomer.com

The best example of this happened to my daughter, Nicole, age 25, just this week. As she was walking to her car in the parking lot, a little old lady approached her and asked if she could do her a major favor. Nicole, of course, was somewhat cautious and hesitated, but thought the woman looked harmless (She was about 4’ 11” compared to Nicole at 5’ 9”). Nicole asked what she could do. It seems that the woman missed her bus after leaving a doctor’s appointment and needed a ride to the next bus stop. Nicole said she would take her and the woman climbed into her car.

Apparently, Gert just found out that she has spinal stenosis, a debilitating condition that would ultimately leave her unable to walk. At 87 years old, she was not ready to give in or give up. Gert said that this is not going to get her down. She said that she could easily sit home and do nothing, like a lot of her friends, but while she is able, she wants to get out, stay independent and be active for as long as she can. She lives in a retirement community and she sees her “miserable neighbors”, complaining all the time. She just waves and goes on her way. Gert said she enjoys the bus ride and talking with new people. Nicole was so impressed with her that she offered to drive her directly home. This little special lady was of course very grateful.

After getting out my obligatory motherly concerns (that she shouldn’t make a habit of picking up strangers, that it could’ve been a scam, that this woman could have been an ax murderer, etc,) I realized that Nicole had a truly wonderful, and positive experience that left a major impression. What an amazing attitude this woman had. At 87, she was still committed to living her life, without pity, without fear, without limitation.

What can we all learn from this? It’s all about how we perceive what happens to us that counts and that no matter what our age, we are in charge of the decisions that impact our lives. Therefore, we need to live our lives, removed from the expectations of others, so that we, too, can create the fulfillment and joy we want. Kudos to the remarkable lesson this little lady taught.

1. They have a set of values and do not compromise their integrity to get what they want. Rather they maintain their strong principles and beliefs, which keep them feeling good about themselves and what they are doing.

2. Positive people associate with a network of like-minded individuals who support, encourage and energize them to stay motivated and accountable.

3. The key to staying healthy and keeping one’s mind alert is a willingness to constantly learn and grow. The most positive people are the ones who keep their knowledge base open so they never stagnate, physically or mentally.

4. It’s important to project confidence wherever you go. Positive people keep doubt and insecurity out of their realm of consciousness, believing in themselves and their potential.

5. Positive people step out of their comfort zone to take healthy risks, resulting in more opportunities and better outcomes. They are not afraid to try new techniques, new tools, and practice different strategies, with the intent of reaching greater heights.

6. Habits become part of your subconscious mind are no longer questioned. Optimism is a way of thinking and becomes a habit that positive people practice.

7. Positive people have a compelling vision and plan for their future. They have a clear blueprint or outline of what they want and everyday do something to bring it closer to reality.

8. It’s always good to believe that it is within your control to shape the outcome of your life and that you are not the victim of chance circumstance. Positive people are willing to put in the effort necessary to make things happen for their greater good.

We can’t change our past, put we can change and embrace the future with openness and optimism. All it takes is a willingness to try a new way of thinking and perhaps being. What better way to live through our “golden years” than by feeling good, hopeful and optimistic about what lies ahead.

• What are my lifetime accomplishments?

Your answer may be:
I graduated college and started my own successful business. I married, raised 2 wonderful children, and provided for my family and spouse. I live in a beautiful home that I decorated myself with things that give me pleasure. I have many friends and family, who care about me and enjoy my company.
Review all that you have done, no matter how small, so you can feel good. You can then say with certainty, “I did accomplish many wonderful things in my life.”

• What are my many talents?
Your answer may be:
I play piano, flute, and guitar and have written my own music. I enjoy ballroom dancing and do it well. I crochet sweaters for all my grandkids. I love to tell stories and enjoy writing vignettes about my life.
In whatever way you express your creative talents, identify what they are so you can say, “I truly am a talented person.”

• How have I helped others?
Your answer may be:
I volunteer at a local senior center and teach reading in a literacy program. I take my aging mother shopping 3x week and I’m the support and encouragement for my overly dramatic teenage children.
You have unselfishly given and offered services to others and that should make you feel good. Therefore, you can say, “I have helped many people.”

• Have I made a significant difference in anybody’s life?
Your answer may be:
I received a note from an old client, thanking me for valuable training. I made someone feel special by giving a surprise party. I’ve been a trusted confident and good companion to my newly divorced friend.
You have been there when needed and left a lasting impression, which is priceless. Therefore, you can say with confidence, “I did make a difference in someone’s life.”

• How many people have I forgiven?
Your answer may be:
The long time grudge between me and my sibling is over because I took the first step to make amends. I dropped the resentment and painful old feelings with my ex because I’m ready to move on. I forgive myself for past mistakes, knowing that I did my best with the resources I had.
Because you’re now free to live your life with gratitude, it feels appropriate for you to say, “I have forgiven many people, including myself.”

Look over your life and all that you have done and know that you will continue to do gratifying work. You can be at peace that you have contributed much to others and are valued by others as well. This peace gives you a sense of overwhelming pride and satisfaction. If, for any reason, you couldn’t find an adequate answer to any of the questions above, it’s never too late to fulfill that void. Remember that you are entering a time in your life that can be extremely positive, meaningful and enriching inside and out.

Laughter and a sense of humor are natural resources, easily attainable and free. What people find funny depends on three theories:

1. We enjoy incongruities, like an unexpected fall or the surprise factor of a punch line.
2. We laugh at someone’s mistakes, stupidity or calamities, since it makes us feel better about ourselves.
3. We appreciate the timing of comic relief when tension is released by a funny moment.

Sometimes people are so overwhelmed with their daily responsibilities, that they don’t allow themselves the luxury of relaxation and mirth. It becomes difficult to find humor in the situations that are straining, agonizing and rattling. However, a change in disposition can do wonders in terms of how you approach most challenges. Even depression can be lifted by finding humor in life’s everyday foibles. Some people may have to LEARN to laugh because it’s not as natural as other behaviors. In essence, if you reassess the nature of your sense of humor, you can raise the scope of your “humor index.”

You do this by considering the following:

• Are you the type to initiate humor or do you enjoy laughing along with others?
• What are the kinds of things you find most humorous (jokes, movies, one liners, etc) and what don’t you consider funny (sarcasm, ethnic jokes, etc)?
• Can you be silly and laugh at yourself easily?
• Must you be in a good mood to laugh, or can something amusing change your mood?

It’s great to have a repertoire of things you find funny that you can access when you need it. It’s also great to schedule daily moments of frivolity for ridding yourself of excess emotional weight, built up from the day.

We, baby boomers, need to explore being less judgmental and more tolerant so that the subtleties of life become the fuel that tickles our funny bones. And remember that a sense of humor keeps minor problems in perspective and enables you to endure life more easily– by cleansing the system of excess tension and keeping you emotionally fit.

Psychologist Susan Kobasa identified three elements to hardiness:

Challenge: Resilient people view their “problems” as challenge to overcome. They feel motivated and embrace the setback with a positive attitude and strength. They have strong determination to address the issue and then do something about it. The see change as something to master, so they can move on with their lives.

Personal Control: Hardy people take charge of the situation and have the courage to take risks. They feel empowered and in control of their lives.

Commitment: The reason why hardy people persevere is because they take an active part in what happens to them. They set goals, apply meaning to their behavior and maintain a strong sense of purpose. Even when things aren’t going their way, they stay committed, taking action to remedy their situation.

What does hardiness mean in terms of your health? Let’s say you were diagnosed with cancer. After the initial shock wears off, what do you do? With determination and drive, you start researching everything you need to know about the disease, including traditional and non-traditional treatments. In collaboration with your doctor, you decide on the best course of treatment and take responsibility for redirecting your life. You become an active participant in your recovery, rather than a bystander. You challenge, advocate and question everything and stay focused on your goal, which is getting healthy.

Developing emotional hardiness means facing your adversity, meeting the challenge and knowing what you need to do. It means not giving up or giving in, but staying strong in your commitment to succeed.

After years of bonding, coddling and cooing, we eventually send them off to kindergarten, hoping they make friends and do well. Throughout their elementary years, we are involved in school activities, baseball and ballet lessons and of course, carpooling. We dread when they come home crying because they were picked last, yet we understand that we can’t shelter them from the harsh world they are meant to enter.

The adolescent years are rougher, with teasing, co-ed parties, hormones and the first kiss.

All the while, children depend on us for guidance, wisdom, support and as an example of how to handle life’s trials and tribulations. We hope we do a good job because there are fewer and fewer years left when we can strongly impact their lives on a day to day basis.

Parenting is hard because we work (whether in or outside the home), are tired, have to make dinner, check homework and deal with setting rules and giving structure. We do all this so that our teenager knows that home is the safe haven they deserve. They may hate us, be embarrassed by how we dress or act, yet they know we love them and are there for them when needed.

High school graduation is a turning point — their introduction to adult responsibility and perhaps more freedom. Some children go straight to work, while others go off to college to pursue a specific career. But wait! Wasn’t it just yesterday that we were diapering them and helping them blow their noses? Didn’t they promise they were never getting married and will always be with mommy, forever? Why is it so difficult to let them go, when our job has always been to prepare them for this time?

We need to put this all into perspective. Yes, it is harder for us than for them. We are the ones left at home with an empty room and memories. Yet, we are so happy we fulfilled our job well and created healthy, independent children who can successfully function in our challenging world. We parents need to be grateful for the blessing of seeing our children thrive and move on. It is bitter sweet, but like chocolate covered strawberries, it’s ALL good.

Amy Sherman, LMHC, is a licensed mental health counselor in private practice. She is the author of the new ebook, “Distress-Free Aging: A Boomer’s Guide to Creating a Fulfilled and Purposeful Life.” Visit www.bummedoutboomer.com and get 75 Stress-Relieving Activities when you sign up for her free enewsletter. Amy can be reached at 561-281-2975 or amy@bummedoutboomer.com