Fragmented Families

Is it possible to make amends with a family member who you haven’t spoken to in ten/twenty/thirty years? There are so many reasons not to give in. The insults, neglect, and insensitivity you experienced are valid reasons to refrain from speaking again. But if you feel it’s long enough and you are ready — can you laugh, joke and be family again in spite of all your history? Is it realistic to mend your broken hearts and heal the wounds?

I think so, if the desire is there and both parties are flexible. Change is the important element to reconciliation. If both family members are resistant, rigid, stagnant and maintaining their stand on who’s right and who is wrong, there is no room for restoring that emotional connection so important in the healing process.

Consider this. If you are unwilling to grow emotionally, you will remain stuck and resolution is impossible. Feelings of anger, anguish, self-righteousness and pride will make all attempts at healing futile.

Therefore, look at your intentions. Are you expecting the other person to “give in”; are you demanding an apology or are you planning to instill guilt? If you are, then give up now. The estrangement will continue with no hope for change. However, with an open mind, and a willingness to leave behind the open wounds from the past, you will be able to promote growth and perhaps some reconciliation.

Remnants of the past will always remain, so don’t expect a simple or clear resolution. With hidden agendas on both sides, it is not unusual for resentments to flare up again, leaving you wondering why you even started. But eventually old animosities begin to lessen and the damages of the past begin to repair. You are starting to build a new foundation, based on other ways of relating. In terms of success or failure, that is yet to be determined, as you both inch your way toward creating a relationship that benefits you both.

Your new sense of connection and the intensity of your feelings serve to motivate and renew you. The process is restorative from the inside out and hopefully a positive outcome is in line for you both.

What better way to live the rest of your life, than with peace and harmony being the guiding light to your future?