Baby Boomers Network

I celebrated a birthday this Memorial Day weekend and it was the best one yet.  At my age, I never thought I’d be saying that, but it really was. Plus, I had the whole weekend to party! Since my son and daughter-in-law live in Jacksonville, FL. I was hoping they would come down for the long weekend, but they couldn’t make it.  I understood.  They had their own life and commitments. My daughter wanted to make me a party, but I didn’t want her to go through the effort.  I told my husband to just take me to this wonderful seafood restaurant so I could get a 2 lb. lobster and I would be happy.

When I came home from work on Thursday, the day of my birthday, there were two dozen roses on the table from my husband and my daughter bought me carnations with a card stating she was taking me out to dinner on Saturday and to the Comedy Club. My son, Ethan, called to wish me a Happy Birthday and so did other friends and relatives.  He told me his present was coming shortly.

My birthday dinner was wonderful and on Friday I had a fabulous massage and took in a movie with my daughter and some of her friends.  It was a lovely afternoon.  I was looking forward to Saturday, as I love the Comedy Club.  We were to meet at my daughter’s house at 6pm.  Since I am an avid nature lover, I told my husband that we should go to the local wildlife sanctuary before meeting my daughter, since the birds, alligators and boardwalk were always a favorite pass time of mine.  By 5:30, it was time to leave, but my husband was so thrilled with the wildlife and his new camera-taking opportunity, that he couldn’t break away.

Needless to say, we arrived a little late, but it was just fine, because when I opened the door, I was hit with the greatest gift of my life.

I couldn’t register the SURPRISE chorus that echoed from her living room immediately, but when I did, I realized that I had friends and relatives (my son and daughter-in-law included) all gathered to celebrate my special birthday. 

I’m still recuperating from the whirlwind weekend, plus I’m writing this blog on my new iPad, the gift from my husband and kids.   It’s times like this that you realize the most valuable things in life are your precious family, dear friends and the caring, love you all share together. 

I lost my good friend, Helene, to cancer, a few weeks ago. She was a talented therapist who devoted her life to helping people work through their emotional pain and personal challenges. Helene was very dedicated to her clients and even through all her medical treatments, remained at work till she could no longer. However, Helene was unable to win her own battle against cancer, although she was a true warrior and survivor. She overcame breast cancer twenty-five years before and was in remission for five years after her first bout with lung cancer.

Her passing has been very difficult for me and our other good friend, Bobbi, as we developed a close bond that spanned over a decade. Our Sunday morning breakfast brunches and Thursday night dinner dates are a happy memory I will always treasure. Our personal and professional lives enabled us to work together on workshop cruises and enjoy holidays, weddings and events with each of our prospective families.

With the passing of my dear friend, I am working through the stages of grief, slowly, letting the process unfold as it will. I also know that my feelings need to be expressed, felt, shared and experienced to get to the point of healing and moving on.

Through it all I have gained many insights from this difficult life lesson:

1. That every day is a gift that needs to be appreciated and enjoyed.
2. That there is no time to aggravate over small, petty things and that even the big crises may not be as big as I think.
3. That there’s always time for laughter, play, fun, and recreation because life is meant to be lived.
4. That I need to tell my loved ones how much they mean to me so they know how important and needed they are.

I’ve adopted Helene’s cat, Mia, a beautiful red and white domestic long hair and we are adjusting to the changes in our lives together. Helene will always live on in the hearts and minds of her family and friends and I am grateful for the time we shared, though brief. The Buddhists have a saying, “We are alive; therefore we will die.” I will take this time to enjoy every moment and appreciate all my blessings and good fortune as I travel my life’s journey for as long as I have.

Do you come home after work and zone out in front of the TV? Or do you spend hours surfing the web and checking your email? Can you do several hours at the gym or chat on the phone incessantly? If you can relate to this you may have a Soft Addiction, the phrase coined by author Judith Wright, Ed. D. who has studied these types of behaviors for many years.

A soft addiction is a harmless habit that can take over your life. It is an activity you overdo or one that consumes you. Has anybody commented on the amount of time you spend in this activity? Have you ever injured yourself or got into trouble doing this particular behavior? Is this something you would feel embarrassed about if others found out about it?

How can you tell if your activity has become a soft addiction? Ask yourself these two questions:

1. Do you feel energized, motivated and alive doing this activity?
2. Do you feel drained, numbed or distracted after this behavior?

If you answered yes to #1, that’s great, but if you answered yes to #2, you may have a soft addiction. Procrastination, watching TV, cyber surfing, video games, exercising, tardiness, shopping, etc. become addictive when they rob you of other more enriching, fulfilling behaviors. They can ruin relationships, interfere with productive work and even affect your finances. Really anything can become a soft addiction if it gets in the way of other things.

What can you do?

1. Maintain awareness that you may be developing a behavior that is turning addictive. Therefore, pay attention to the emotional turmoil in your life. Are you using this activity as a way to avoid what’s going on in your life? Are you having negative thoughts too difficult to face and need some strong distractions, like the one you’re doing?

2. Find an alternative behavior to substitute for this behavior. Make it something you enjoy doing and something that will keep you engrossed. So instead of watching three hours of TV, pick up the knitting needles and knit yourself a scarf. Or take a long walk after dinner instead of going on the computer. Slowly cut back on the amount of time you spend in the addictive behavior, a little each day, until it is reduced to a normal amount of time or not at all.

3. Connect with people, rather than your activity. A friend, counselor, co-worker, relative, etc. may help with support and encouragement, which could be just what you need to ease the transition away from your habit.

Don’t rationalize your behavior as something you can’t give up. Instead, use your personal insight to overcome any excuses that keep you from taking control. Just be willing to stop those behaviors that are detrimental to your well-being so you can get on with the process of living your best life.