Baby Boomers Network

It doesn’t matter if you have been married 30 years or are single and dating. The key factors responsible for healthy relationships are the same. If you find yourself wanting to improve what you have now, become aware of the common mistakes people make in relationships Just this awareness can eliminate a lot of frustration and disappointment and help you do better See if you can relate:

If you and your partner’s expectations are different, you can be setting yourself up for frustration. For those of you who are single, you may want to make you intentions clear from the start. Are you looking for marriage or is it just companionship that your seek? This can be the deal breaker in a relationship that appears to be going well. Even in your long term relationship, what are your expectations for the future? Do you want to travel, go back to school, pursue a new career or just retire peacefully on some island? Unless you make your desires known, you may find yourself disappointed that your dreams are not the same as your partners. Never assume anything, especially that what you want is the same as what someone else wants.

If you rely on others to make you happy, you can be setting yourself up for disappointment. This is so simple, yet so profound. Don’t wait for someone to change before you’ll be happy or you’ll you be waiting a long time. Instead, create your own happiness. As an independent, free thinking individual, you probably have things you do that make you very happy, like playing an instrument, scrap booking, bicycle riding, walking in the park, etc. Continue doing what you love and enjoy. Hopefully, your relationship will be an enhancement that supports your interests and dreams, so you can be all you can be.

If you’re communication skills are poor, you can be setting yourself up for many misunderstandings and disagreements. Do you speak, but don’t listen? Take time to “hear” what your partner is saying, by paying attention to content, body language, tone of voice and facial expressions. Most people just want to be heard and understood, but because we all have our own agendas, we sometimes don’t pay enough attention to the words of others. It will make a world of a difference to your relationship if you and your partner become attentive, good listeners, really available to each other.

If you aren’t aware of the impact you have on others, you will live your life clueless. Rather, take responsibility for the energy you bring into a room. What this means is that your energy affects everyone else, so if you want to feel connected, supported, loved and accepted, be sure that the energy of your behavior is sending that same message. You can’t complain about things not going well in your relationship if you are partly responsible for creating a negative atmosphere.

Oprah has always said that if you knew better you would do better. Don’t sabotage yourself by repeating relationship mistakes over and over again. With insight and a willingness to change you can become a better person who cares about maintaining healthy relationships..

I don’t want to harp about how important it is to control your stress, since I’m sure you know all about the physical as well as emotional health risks. Instead, I want to give you a resource that you can go to when you need to de-stress. It’s as simple as having your very own personal self-help tool kit.

Here are several strategies you can put into your tool kit. Try them all and then make a note of which ones are most effective. Probably they all will work at one time or another. This is how your Self-Help Tool Kit is created. Refer to the kit as needed. It is your immediate resource for helping you unwind and chill out from your busy, demanding day.

1. Keep a journal/diary to keep track of how you’re feeling and to deescalate your negative feelings. Start each sentence with “I am…” to maintain ownership and to stay in a positive mindset.
2. Talk to someone who will listen. Take an inventory of those people you can trust who can assist you with support, encouragement and honest feedback.
3. Find humor in most situations. Laughter is genuinely good medicine and can diffuse a tense situation by showing you the lighter side. Laugh whenever you can.
4. Pray or read inspirational material. The power of prayer is very strong in healing your spirit and supporting emotional health. Pray for wisdom, guidance and strength.
5. Meditate to improve concentration, increase oxygen to the brain, reduce anxiety and relax your body. Aim for 10-20 minutes a day, preferably in the morning.
6. Be aware of your self-talk. Do you frequently use the words “always” and “never” to describe your reality? “This always happens to me.” “I never catch a break.” These words sabotage and defeat you. Change your dialogue to “can” and “am.”
7. Listen to music, preferably something soothing to calm you and put you in a relaxed mood.
8. Watch a light-hearted movie or sit-com. The distraction would be a good way to change your mood and perspective.
9. “Anchor” pleasant, positive, joyful feelings onto a particular object that is worn or carried with you often. The next time you feel stressed, hold on to that object and you will be reminded of the calming effect it has on you.

Hans Selye says, “Nothing erases unpleasant thoughts more effectively than conscious concentration on pleasant ones.” Therefore, when your thoughts are focused on available solutions and effective strategies for reducing stress, you’ll be better prepared to follow through.

Do you come home after work and zone out in front of the TV? Or do you spend hours surfing the web and checking your email? Can you do several hours at the gym or chat on the phone incessantly? If you can relate to this you may have a Soft Addiction, the phrase coined by author Judith Wright*, Ed. D. who has studied these types of behaviors for many years.

A soft addiction is a harmless habit that can take over your life. It is an activity you overdo or one that consumes you. Has anybody commented on the amount of time you spend in this activity? Have you ever injured yourself or got into trouble doing this particular behavior? Is this something you would feel embarrassed about if others found out about it?

How can you tell if your activity has become a soft addiction? Ask yourself these two questions:

1. Do you feel energized, motivated and alive doing this activity?
2. Do you feel drained, numbed or distracted after this behavior?

If you answered yes to #1, that’s great, but if you answered yes to #2, you may have a soft addiction. Procrastination, watching TV, cyber surfing, video games, exercising, tardiness, shopping, etc. become addictive when they rob you of other more enriching, fulfilling behaviors. They can ruin relationships, interfere with productive work and even affect your finances. Really anything can become a soft addiction if it gets in the way of other things.

What can you do?

1. Maintain awareness that you may be developing a behavior that is turning addictive. Therefore, pay attention to the emotional turmoil in your life. Are you using this activity as a way to avoid what’s going on in your life? Are you having negative thoughts too difficult to face and need some strong distractions, like the one you’re doing?

2. Find an alternative behavior to substitute for this behavior. Make it something you enjoy doing and something that will keep you engrossed. So instead of watching three hours of TV, pick up the knitting needles and knit yourself a scarf. Or take a long walk after dinner instead of going on the computer. Slowly cut back on the amount of time you spend in the addictive behavior, a little each day, until it is reduced to a normal amount of time or not at all.

3. Connect with people, rather than your activity. A friend, counselor, co-worker, relative, etc. may help with support and encouragement, which could be just what you need to ease the transition away from your habit.

Don’t rationalize your behavior as something you can’t give up. Instead, use your personal insight to overcome any excuses that keep you from taking control. Just be willing to stop those behaviors that are detrimental to your well-being so you can get on with the process of living your best life.

*Judith Wright, Soft Addictions Solution, www.softaddictions.com