Baby Boomers Network

It’s strange how, when you least expect it, your life is redirected because of a chance meeting. As a mental health professional, I do many groups, seminars, workshops and presentations that put me in touch with many people. This particular time, was different, however, because it actually changed my life.

Several years ago, I spoke to a group of women on Managing Life’s Transitions and a well-groomed, attractive woman came up to me after my presentation. She, too, is a lecturer, but she speaks on nutrition and health. She said she just returned from a lecture tour around Europe. She has a master’s degree in Nutritional Science and was back in school for another master’s in Psychology. I found her to be extremely interesting and was very impressed with her vibrant personality and inspiring message. It seems that 45 years ago she stopped smoking and put on about 30 pounds. With determination and drive, she said she lost the weight and has kept it off all these years. I asked her how she did it. “It wasn’t that hard”, she said. “I was tired of being unhealthy, with high blood pressure and arthritis. I could barely keep up with my children. I decided to change my lifestyle and my attitude and made a personal commitment to be true to myself, no matter what.” She said, “Sure, there were hard times, disappointing times, but I pushed through them, knowing that on the other side, there was my new life – one based on health, hope and resiliency.” She insisted I guess her age. With her gray hair and delicately wrinkled complexion, I guessed 68-72. She was actually 91. I was very impressed!

I learned a lot from our chance meeting that day. This dynamic woman possessed certain qualities that enabled her to age gracefully, without the “battle “most of us experience. What was it that allowed her to be so resilient during her most trying and difficult times? I had to explore further what it was that made her stand out and be so impressive. I started by exploring what she meant by “resiliency”.

Apparently, this woman picked up skills over her lifetime that gave her a strong determination and commitment to work through whatever crisis she faced. She took the stumbling blocks out of her way and turned them to her advantage, by staying motivated, in control and positive. You, too, can transcend your personal obstacles and incorporate her teachings into your life. In other words, you can continue to age with grace and dignity and have a wonderful attitude about your life.

With Domestic Violence Awareness Month upon us once again, it is important to stay educated and attuned to the nuances of abuse. So many people of all ages, women especially, are oblivious to the fact that a manipulative, intimidating partner has undermined their lives and taken away their self-worth and esteem.

Is it okay to be ridiculed, demeaned, criticized and blamed and still consider your relationship healthy? Is it normal to have to be interrogated for your whereabouts, your money spent or your visits with friends? How much do you have to take before your angry, intolerant partner breaks you down completely?

Domestic abuse is different than domestic violence but it is sometimes more dangerous and has longer lasting results. To be in a relationship where you constantly fear for your life or are afraid that what you say or do would result in a blowout, is more damaging than the actual physical altercation. After all, the hitting eventually stops. But emotional and mental abuse, the looks, the demeanor, the gestures continue daily, incessantly, because the manipulator knows this is how he (she) can break down their partner to be submissive and compliant.

Abusers learn at an early age how to get their way and what coercive behaviors will get them what they want. They may have been raised in an environment where they, too, cowered in shame and humiliation because of the abuse they experienced. The only way they know how to deal with conflict or confrontation is through intimidation and threats. Their coping skills are so poor that they rely on anger and frustration to fuel their behavior.

When you understand your situation, become aware of how you are feeling, and realize it doesn’t have to remain this way, you can get yourself out of the cycle of abuse. However, most times, you cannot do this alone. Seek help from a trusted friend, family member, professional therapist or your clergy.

Abuse will not stop until you decide you’ve had enough. And even though you may not be hit, slapped, pushed or kicked, you are just a “stones throw away” from the abuser crossing the line. It’s time to recognize your relationship for what it is and prepare to make some changes — because under all your fear is a treasure house of courage and strength!

Are you having trouble shaking away the blues? Do you feel overwhelmed, overwrought and overspent? You’re not alone. You’re juggling the roles of parent, spouse, caregiver and employee and have passed the point where you can effectively cope and function well. Perhaps, caring for your parents and your children simultaneously is just a bit too much for you to handle. In today’s world, where stress levels in your personal and professional life are at their limit, it’s not uncommon for you to need a little coaching to get you on a better road to better health.

Everyone has had the occasional “off” day where the minor inconveniences and anxiety of daily living make you want to stay in bed, rather than confront the day. This is normal. It’s basically the body interpreting the messages from your mind and the message is, “I’m worn out emotionally and physically”.

According to the Department of Health and Human Services, companies spend billions of dollars a year dealing with the effects of stress on their employees. The consequences of stress manifest as numerous sick days, slow production, poor motivation, decreased involvement and even substance abuse.

Here are some suggestions to combat the baby boomer blues:

1. The oldest and best way to master stress is through stress reduction techniques, first introduced by Dr. Herbert Benson of Harvard University in the 1970’s. However, most people never practice the time-tested techniques or even recognize that they need help. Anyone can learn the relaxation response, which involves slow, rhythmic breathing and visualizing peaceful, positive images in your mind. Just 10 minutes a day will effectively promote better health, both physically and emotionally. Plus, studies show it increases longevity and life satisfaction.

2. You may also want to look at your attitude. Are you taking everything too seriously or can you pick and choose what bothers you? Do you let things roll off your back or must it need further attention, right now? If you keep your thoughts on what you want, rather than on what you don’t want, you’ll see what a big difference that makes. Reducing the amount of time you dwell on the negative helps to reduce the impact it has on you physically - thereby strengthening your emotional ability to cope with the stress at hand.
A good dose of laughter or light-heartedness also reduces those negative thoughts and makes most situations more manageable.

3. Another practical tool is delineating some of your responsibilities to others. Can a sibling take your mom to the MD, so you can focus on your son’s homework? Can you and your spouse find some R&R time this weekend, while your teenagers or adult children spend time with grandma? Don’t be afraid to ask. It’s important to lessen your burdens by getting as much help from your support system, so you can be a healthier support for others.

4. An easy and immediate stress reducer is to have a library of inspiring, uplifting books or other materials on hand. This might include funny movies, joyful music, taped sit-coms, inspirational reading or just a blank journal to vent. You can use this as your safety net when things get too tough to jolt yourself out of a downcast mindset.

The goal for stress reduction is to use whatever tools you have to lift your mood and rejuvenate your spirit, so you can stay productive, effective and emotionally on track.