What I Have Learned About Loss

Written by Guest Author, Bobbi Kraf, MSW

I am a woman of the Baby Boomer generation, and while I have had my fair share of life experiences, it always amazes me when something can happen to set us back on our heels. I am a mental health professional, and for the past 6 1/2 years, I have been the coordinator of the Bereavement Support Group Program at a Jewish Family Service Agency in South Florida. I have worked with almost a thousand clients during this time and have found my work tremendously rewarding. Even though people would often ask, “How you can do this work with all of its sadness?” My response would always be the same. Yes, there’s lots of sadness, but over the years, I came to realize, that my ability to actively listen to a grieving client who needed to tell their story came easily for me, and the empathy I conveyed to my clients seemed to help and comfort them. Week after week, the groups would meet, and the clients shared their feelings and symptoms tied to their grief; from anger and denial to the “what ifs” and the situational depression. Sometimes the anger spewed out from different clients, but everyone understood, and that’s why these groups often became safe havens for the people who attended them. Special friendships often form during this time because there is a strong bonding that takes place during bereavement support groups. As the acceptance of their loss and their new and different life takes hold, sisterhoods are forged, and many of my clients would often say, “This support group has saved my life!”

Three weeks after losing my job, I find that I’m experiencing many of the same feelings my clients have often described. I feel a generalized sadness, and a tremendous void in my life; all the empty hours in the day. Because I truly enjoy working, I have no desire to do other things at this time. My self-confidence has been greatly impacted, and I’m really angry. Over these 6 1/2 years, clients and administration repeatedly said I did a great job and I still lost my job! Talk about life not being fair! Clients have often shared their feelings about how disappointed they become with many of their coupled friends after their loss. It’s not unusual for couples to distance themselves from new widows, and I have found that some of my colleagues/friends have behaved in a similar way.

The beginning process of looking for a new job can feel scary and intimidating if I allow it, but I’m reminding myself, this can be a new and challenging time for me. I find that I’m using many of the coping skills I have suggested to my clients over the years. Exercising regularly, allowing my good friends to be a strong support system for me, and remembering to not be too hard on myself is definitely helping. I know that the symptoms from my loss will dissipate much more quickly than those of my clients because the significance of these losses is very different. However, it’s important to validate all losses, so we can put them into perspective, and develop the coping skills to get us through. Many of my clients, both present and former have offered support and encouragement to me at this difficult time, and I will forever be grateful to them for their kindness and for what I have learned from them!